The Sprout and The Bean

I slept all day
awoke with distaste
and I railed,
and I raved

That the difference between
the sprout and the bean
is a golden ring,
it is a twisted string.
And you can ask the counsellor;
you can ask the king;
and they'll say the same thing;
and it's a funny thing:

Should we go outside?
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

And as I said,
I slept as though dead
dreaming seamless dreams of lead.

When you go away,
I am big-boned and fey
in the dust of the day,
in the dirt of the day.

and Danger! Danger! Drawing near them was a white coat,
and Danger! Danger! drawing near them was a broad boat,
And the water! water! running clear beneath a white throat,
and the hollow chatter of the talking of the Tadpoles,

who know th'outside!
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

A few things have happened in the past few weeks. I went to Portland. There was a grand opening show for the "Black Cherry". I have experienced and learned and fought and loved.

I fell in love with Portland. I was able to stay with a friend that I had actually met in Ohio, a fellow rust belt kid. I realized that people from the rust belt totally get each other. While in Oregon I met wonderful people, rode a very organized and usable public transportation system, , shotgunned beers off of a bluff overlooking the Williamette river, went camping, went to a speakeasy, made contacts at a local infoshop, played with ferrets and a dog named sissy, traveled west to the ocean, saw one of my oldest friends, as well as her mom and two cats, went to hot springs and waterfalls with said friend and boyfriend, and left a very saaaaad goodbye to all of it.

I may move, but I know what will happen. But I am ready.

There was a band staying at my house last night. Well actually a few different bands, ones that played at the opening of the black cherry. I had a conversation with one of them, about traveling and living in different places opposed to staying in one place. He hadn't been "home" (Bloomington, IN) more than three weeks in the past year. He has been touring with three different bands for the entire year. I don't know if that is what I need, but I think I need to get out and experience other people.


It is comforting to have friends. Family. Inspiration. Sense.


Its funny how some people can influence you in a few short hours. And some people you spend years with and never grow.

So I haven't written in a while. Here's what's been going on. CONFUSION.

One perk about time passing is that winter is almost over. I can't wait to get out in the dirt and everything. Last Thursday we planted mustard and collard greens in a raised bed at Oneida St. greenhouse, hoping that they will survive. We've been starting all sorts of seeds in the TBG greenhouse. These past few weeks have been great, even though my car died. I've been walking and riding my bike everywhere.

My bike has a flat though. I plan on taking it to the bike co-op tomorrow. They are only open Sundays and Mondays, which works out because it just happened yesterday, which was Friday.

My car has a blown transmission.

I am not meant to be mobile.

Right this moment I have on a bright orange sweater that is too loud for Heather. It's kinda ugly, but I'm keeping it.

One thing that I have been having trouble with is my consistency in emotions. One minute I know what I should do, and the next I'm not doing what I originally thought about doing, and heading down a different path. It wouldn't be so bad, but its hindering my ability to have any sort of connection with anyone more than a few minutes. And then the next day, its completely forgotten. Not forgotten, just not brought up.

The space is coming along, slowly and surely.
One day it will be amazing.

People can change, right?

Experience is waaaaaaaay different than maturity.

Something about not knowing

what people are thinking used to make me very uncomfortable. I wanted to know what people thought about me, whether they liked me or hated me. Lately I've been realizing that I don't have to know, and it doesn't really matter.
It's gotten easier to talk to people who don't know me that well, and not look like a total spaz, just because I know that I have something to say that is worthwhile.

I was sitting at one of my friends house last night talking to this one kid, and we got on the topic of Adult Swim, and how they play the same episodes over and over. I mentioned that I hadn't really watched tv in about 2 years, and he was really confused. I'm pretty sure that he asked what I do at my house, or something like that, without a tv. I said that I talk to my roommates, read, cook, ect. Then he said something along the lines of "so you don't even have the tv on in the background when you talk to your roommates???" Fucking Christ.


I need to spend time figuring out my priorities. What am I to do with myself?
Going to visit a few friends I haven't seen in a while will be fun. Trips to Pennsylvania and Oregon are in my near future. Oregon maybe not so near, but close enough to smell the ocean. and the forests, trees, sand, sun. I can't wait.

Common sense

You really don't need that much money when you don't buy anything.

So the other night in my crazed state I started to think about the different places that I have lived. I counted every single house that I've lived in. I have inhabited 11 different houses. I have lived in 6 different cities. Whenever things got bad and I was in a situation that I was unhappy with, I usually had the option to move. My parents were always glad to take me in when I wanted to change addresses.

Its a fun thing, to be the new girl. It's really exciting to meet a bunch of new people. There is always going to be some one that you have something in common with. Anywhere you go, people will be the same. There just won't be any memories to share.

Do you try to stay in one place and build what you have, or do you go out into whatever world that you see and live in it? People come and go, and so can you. This is not supposed to be any sort of advice, rather me working things out in words.

One of my problems lately is that I am not sure that anything that I am doing is right or wrong or stupid or if I will regret anything that I do later. That is really silly, and will try to stop doing that.


These are the things I strive for, always subject to change:
To have feelings
To leave something productive behind
To have something for myself
To sustain without completely fucking this world over
To grow things
To understand
To love
To live and die.

and maybe to not like smoking so much.
I've only had one today, I swear.