The way people are

I don't want to try to sound like I understand people, but I am starting to throw ideas around in my head to explain hatred toward people you don't know.

Since I was a wee little one, I always wondered what other people were thinking, wondering what thoughts were going through their heads at any certain point. I always wanted to know if they thought the same things that I did, exactly the same way that I did. How do thoughts cross other peoples minds????? This still bothers me, there is no way to fully dish out everything thats going through your head.

I'm pretty sure that part of the reason for hate is for not knowing.

I'm thinking that people should just worry about themselves first, and then take the time to get to know someone, exchange ideas, let others know that they aren't out to destroy them. There are so many things going on every second. Just let things go on as they are.

Lima

Most people that I care about already know where I am. I moved back in with my mother, who lives in Lima. After spending three amazing years in a city, not too big or to small, that I grew to love, I had to move away. It was mostly because of financial difficulties, not being able to find a job in Toledo. I know that I could have stayed there if I wanted to, living at the Black Cherry, or at a friend's house, but I chose not to. There are many reasons why I didn't stay. I didn't feel comfortable moving into the Black Cherry because I didn't want to. I have grown away from the project. I felt that if I moved there, I would feel like I was drowning with no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. I still have high hopes for the project, but moving away from that scene, and also the activist scene might do me a bit of good. I didn't move in with my friend, who offered many times for me to stay with her, because I couldn't bring myself to accept that sort of generosity. I had no idea when I would be able to find a job, so I passed up on the offer.

Since I have moved to Lima I have found a full time job at a gas station within walking distance from my house. I really like the job, its easy and the owners are very friendly. I usually get hit on at least three times a night, and there hasn't been a single day that I have worked that I didn't have to sell someone a crackpipe. Its really sad to hand someone one of those. I have this friend, Jimmy, who can see the gas station from his front porch. He comes in and hangs out with me sometimes, asks about where I came from, about my family and such. Hes a middle aged distinguished looking black person, not shabby or anything. He had been every night asking for the lottery winnings, not really buying beer or anything that most people get. About the fourth night that he was coming in, he stayed and talked for about a half hour, then he said he was going to leave. Then he came up to the counter and asked for a love rose and some Chore Boy, both ingredients used for smoking the crackrock....... I wanted to get a spray bottle and say NO Jimmy!!! But he's functional and I can't stop him. It was a definite surprise.

I haven't lived with a parent figure in quite some time, and I haven't lived with my mom since I was 13. It's taking some time to get used to. I have been trying to keep myself motivated, to not fall into nothingness. I keep running into people that I went to middle school with, and every single person that I was "friends" with in middle school have turned into these scary zombie people that I might have been if I stayed here.

I don't understand why this town turns people into assholes. I work for people of Indian decent. Every day people come in and ask where the "A-rabs" are. I sigh and correct them. "They're not Arabic, they're Indian...." and every time the dumb ass people are like "Oh", and some of them are surprised that they were wrong, but mostof them give me this look like well does it matter, they're still different, still fromt that part of the world. Like they're terrorists because they come from Iraq, Afganistan, or India.... They are from fucking New Jersey. Come the fuck on.

I miss being able to go out and not constantly be disgusted by most people that surround me. Maybe what this town needs is a new way of thinking. How do you make someone use their brains, make them see things, make them see what matters, and what doesn't? This has always been a problem for me. How do you try to change someone else when you're not completely sure yourself? There are things I know for sure, people are good and bad, "bad" people can be "good", and vice versa.

I have spent my time well so far, in my life. There is no time for regret, and as long as I'm alive, I can just keep going through anything that takes place.

The Sprout and The Bean

I slept all day
awoke with distaste
and I railed,
and I raved

That the difference between
the sprout and the bean
is a golden ring,
it is a twisted string.
And you can ask the counsellor;
you can ask the king;
and they'll say the same thing;
and it's a funny thing:

Should we go outside?
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

And as I said,
I slept as though dead
dreaming seamless dreams of lead.

When you go away,
I am big-boned and fey
in the dust of the day,
in the dirt of the day.

and Danger! Danger! Drawing near them was a white coat,
and Danger! Danger! drawing near them was a broad boat,
And the water! water! running clear beneath a white throat,
and the hollow chatter of the talking of the Tadpoles,

who know th'outside!
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

A few things have happened in the past few weeks. I went to Portland. There was a grand opening show for the "Black Cherry". I have experienced and learned and fought and loved.

I fell in love with Portland. I was able to stay with a friend that I had actually met in Ohio, a fellow rust belt kid. I realized that people from the rust belt totally get each other. While in Oregon I met wonderful people, rode a very organized and usable public transportation system, , shotgunned beers off of a bluff overlooking the Williamette river, went camping, went to a speakeasy, made contacts at a local infoshop, played with ferrets and a dog named sissy, traveled west to the ocean, saw one of my oldest friends, as well as her mom and two cats, went to hot springs and waterfalls with said friend and boyfriend, and left a very saaaaad goodbye to all of it.

I may move, but I know what will happen. But I am ready.

There was a band staying at my house last night. Well actually a few different bands, ones that played at the opening of the black cherry. I had a conversation with one of them, about traveling and living in different places opposed to staying in one place. He hadn't been "home" (Bloomington, IN) more than three weeks in the past year. He has been touring with three different bands for the entire year. I don't know if that is what I need, but I think I need to get out and experience other people.


It is comforting to have friends. Family. Inspiration. Sense.


Its funny how some people can influence you in a few short hours. And some people you spend years with and never grow.

So I haven't written in a while. Here's what's been going on. CONFUSION.

One perk about time passing is that winter is almost over. I can't wait to get out in the dirt and everything. Last Thursday we planted mustard and collard greens in a raised bed at Oneida St. greenhouse, hoping that they will survive. We've been starting all sorts of seeds in the TBG greenhouse. These past few weeks have been great, even though my car died. I've been walking and riding my bike everywhere.

My bike has a flat though. I plan on taking it to the bike co-op tomorrow. They are only open Sundays and Mondays, which works out because it just happened yesterday, which was Friday.

My car has a blown transmission.

I am not meant to be mobile.

Right this moment I have on a bright orange sweater that is too loud for Heather. It's kinda ugly, but I'm keeping it.

One thing that I have been having trouble with is my consistency in emotions. One minute I know what I should do, and the next I'm not doing what I originally thought about doing, and heading down a different path. It wouldn't be so bad, but its hindering my ability to have any sort of connection with anyone more than a few minutes. And then the next day, its completely forgotten. Not forgotten, just not brought up.

The space is coming along, slowly and surely.
One day it will be amazing.

People can change, right?

Experience is waaaaaaaay different than maturity.

Something about not knowing

what people are thinking used to make me very uncomfortable. I wanted to know what people thought about me, whether they liked me or hated me. Lately I've been realizing that I don't have to know, and it doesn't really matter.
It's gotten easier to talk to people who don't know me that well, and not look like a total spaz, just because I know that I have something to say that is worthwhile.

I was sitting at one of my friends house last night talking to this one kid, and we got on the topic of Adult Swim, and how they play the same episodes over and over. I mentioned that I hadn't really watched tv in about 2 years, and he was really confused. I'm pretty sure that he asked what I do at my house, or something like that, without a tv. I said that I talk to my roommates, read, cook, ect. Then he said something along the lines of "so you don't even have the tv on in the background when you talk to your roommates???" Fucking Christ.


I need to spend time figuring out my priorities. What am I to do with myself?
Going to visit a few friends I haven't seen in a while will be fun. Trips to Pennsylvania and Oregon are in my near future. Oregon maybe not so near, but close enough to smell the ocean. and the forests, trees, sand, sun. I can't wait.