focus

The way people are

2010-01-05T02:53:00.001-08:00

I don't want to try to sound like I understand people, but I am starting to throw ideas around in my head to explain hatred toward people you don't know.

Since I was a wee little one, I always wondered what other people were thinking, wondering what thoughts were going through their heads at any certain point. I always wanted to know if they thought the same things that I did, exactly the same way that I did. How do thoughts cross other peoples minds????? This still bothers me, there is no way to fully dish out everything thats going through your head.

I'm pretty sure that part of the reason for hate is for not knowing.

I'm thinking that people should just worry about themselves first, and then take the time to get to know someone, exchange ideas, let others know that they aren't out to destroy them. There are so many things going on every second. Just let things go on as they are.

Lima

2010-01-05T02:13:00.000-08:00

Most people that I care about already know where I am. I moved back in with my mother, who lives in Lima. After spending three amazing years in a city, not too big or to small, that I grew to love, I had to move away. It was mostly because of financial difficulties, not being able to find a job in Toledo. I know that I could have stayed there if I wanted to, living at the Black Cherry, or at a friend's house, but I chose not to. There are many reasons why I didn't stay. I didn't feel comfortable moving into the Black Cherry because I didn't want to. I have grown away from the project. I felt that if I moved there, I would feel like I was drowning with no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. I still have high hopes for the project, but moving away from that scene, and also the activist scene might do me a bit of good. I didn't move in with my friend, who offered many times for me to stay with her, because I couldn't bring myself to accept that sort of generosity. I had no idea when I would be able to find a job, so I passed up on the offer.

Since I have moved to Lima I have found a full time job at a gas station within walking distance from my house. I really like the job, its easy and the owners are very friendly. I usually get hit on at least three times a night, and there hasn't been a single day that I have worked that I didn't have to sell someone a crackpipe. Its really sad to hand someone one of those. I have this friend, Jimmy, who can see the gas station from his front porch. He comes in and hangs out with me sometimes, asks about where I came from, about my family and such. Hes a middle aged distinguished looking black person, not shabby or anything. He had been every night asking for the lottery winnings, not really buying beer or anything that most people get. About the fourth night that he was coming in, he stayed and talked for about a half hour, then he said he was going to leave. Then he came up to the counter and asked for a love rose and some Chore Boy, both ingredients used for smoking the crackrock....... I wanted to get a spray bottle and say NO Jimmy!!! But he's functional and I can't stop him. It was a definite surprise.

I haven't lived with a parent figure in quite some time, and I haven't lived with my mom since I was 13. It's taking some time to get used to. I have been trying to keep myself motivated, to not fall into nothingness. I keep running into people that I went to middle school with, and every single person that I was "friends" with in middle school have turned into these scary zombie people that I might have been if I stayed here.

I don't understand why this town turns people into assholes. I work for people of Indian decent. Every day people come in and ask where the "A-rabs" are. I sigh and correct them. "They're not Arabic, they're Indian...." and every time the dumb ass people are like "Oh", and some of them are surprised that they were wrong, but mostof them give me this look like well does it matter, they're still different, still fromt that part of the world. Like they're terrorists because they come from Iraq, Afganistan, or India.... They are from fucking New Jersey. Come the fuck on.

I miss being able to go out and not constantly be disgusted by most people that surround me. Maybe what this town needs is a new way of thinking. How do you make someone use their brains, make them see things, make them see what matters, and what doesn't? This has always been a problem for me. How do you try to change someone else when you're not completely sure yourself? There are things I know for sure, people are good and bad, "bad" people can be "good", and vice versa.

I have spent my time well so far, in my life. There is no time for regret, and as long as I'm alive, I can just keep going through anything that takes place.

The Sprout and The Bean

2009-05-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

I slept all day
awoke with distaste
and I railed,
and I raved

That the difference between
the sprout and the bean
is a golden ring,
it is a twisted string.
And you can ask the counsellor;
you can ask the king;
and they'll say the same thing;
and it's a funny thing:

Should we go outside?
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

And as I said,
I slept as though dead
dreaming seamless dreams of lead.

When you go away,
I am big-boned and fey
in the dust of the day,
in the dirt of the day.

and Danger! Danger! Drawing near them was a white coat,
and Danger! Danger! drawing near them was a broad boat,
And the water! water! running clear beneath a white throat,
and the hollow chatter of the talking of the Tadpoles,

who know th'outside!
Should we go outside?
Should we break some bread?
Are y'interested?

2009-05-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

A few things have happened in the past few weeks. I went to Portland. There was a grand opening show for the "Black Cherry". I have experienced and learned and fought and loved.

I fell in love with Portland. I was able to stay with a friend that I had actually met in Ohio, a fellow rust belt kid. I realized that people from the rust belt totally get each other. While in Oregon I met wonderful people, rode a very organized and usable public transportation system, , shotgunned beers off of a bluff overlooking the Williamette river, went camping, went to a speakeasy, made contacts at a local infoshop, played with ferrets and a dog named sissy, traveled west to the ocean, saw one of my oldest friends, as well as her mom and two cats, went to hot springs and waterfalls with said friend and boyfriend, and left a very saaaaad goodbye to all of it.

I may move, but I know what will happen. But I am ready.

There was a band staying at my house last night. Well actually a few different bands, ones that played at the opening of the black cherry. I had a conversation with one of them, about traveling and living in different places opposed to staying in one place. He hadn't been "home" (Bloomington, IN) more than three weeks in the past year. He has been touring with three different bands for the entire year. I don't know if that is what I need, but I think I need to get out and experience other people.

It is comforting to have friends. Family. Inspiration. Sense.

Its funny how some people can influence you in a few short hours. And some people you spend years with and never grow.

2009-03-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

So I haven't written in a while. Here's what's been going on. CONFUSION.

One perk about time passing is that winter is almost over. I can't wait to get out in the dirt and everything. Last Thursday we planted mustard and collard greens in a raised bed at Oneida St. greenhouse, hoping that they will survive. We've been starting all sorts of seeds in the TBG greenhouse. These past few weeks have been great, even though my car died. I've been walking and riding my bike everywhere.

My bike has a flat though. I plan on taking it to the bike co-op tomorrow. They are only open Sundays and Mondays, which works out because it just happened yesterday, which was Friday.

My car has a blown transmission.

I am not meant to be mobile.

Right this moment I have on a bright orange sweater that is too loud for Heather. It's kinda ugly, but I'm keeping it.

One thing that I have been having trouble with is my consistency in emotions. One minute I know what I should do, and the next I'm not doing what I originally thought about doing, and heading down a different path. It wouldn't be so bad, but its hindering my ability to have any sort of connection with anyone more than a few minutes. And then the next day, its completely forgotten. Not forgotten, just not brought up.

The space is coming along, slowly and surely.
One day it will be amazing.

People can change, right?

2009-02-28T22:51:00.001-08:00

Experience is waaaaaaaay different than maturity.

Something about not knowing

2009-02-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

what people are thinking used to make me very uncomfortable. I wanted to know what people thought about me, whether they liked me or hated me. Lately I've been realizing that I don't have to know, and it doesn't really matter.
It's gotten easier to talk to people who don't know me that well, and not look like a total spaz, just because I know that I have something to say that is worthwhile.

I was sitting at one of my friends house last night talking to this one kid, and we got on the topic of Adult Swim, and how they play the same episodes over and over. I mentioned that I hadn't really watched tv in about 2 years, and he was really confused. I'm pretty sure that he asked what I do at my house, or something like that, without a tv. I said that I talk to my roommates, read, cook, ect. Then he said something along the lines of "so you don't even have the tv on in the background when you talk to your roommates???" Fucking Christ.

I need to spend time figuring out my priorities. What am I to do with myself?
Going to visit a few friends I haven't seen in a while will be fun. Trips to Pennsylvania and Oregon are in my near future. Oregon maybe not so near, but close enough to smell the ocean. and the forests, trees, sand, sun. I can't wait.

Common sense

2009-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

You really don't need that much money when you don't buy anything.

2009-01-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

So the other night in my crazed state I started to think about the different places that I have lived. I counted every single house that I've lived in. I have inhabited 11 different houses. I have lived in 6 different cities. Whenever things got bad and I was in a situation that I was unhappy with, I usually had the option to move. My parents were always glad to take me in when I wanted to change addresses.

Its a fun thing, to be the new girl. It's really exciting to meet a bunch of new people. There is always going to be some one that you have something in common with. Anywhere you go, people will be the same. There just won't be any memories to share.

Do you try to stay in one place and build what you have, or do you go out into whatever world that you see and live in it? People come and go, and so can you. This is not supposed to be any sort of advice, rather me working things out in words.

One of my problems lately is that I am not sure that anything that I am doing is right or wrong or stupid or if I will regret anything that I do later. That is really silly, and will try to stop doing that.

These are the things I strive for, always subject to change:
To have feelings
To leave something productive behind
To have something for myself
To sustain without completely fucking this world over
To grow things
To understand
To love
To live and die.

and maybe to not like smoking so much.
I've only had one today, I swear.

Arizona thoughts

2008-11-30T22:42:00.000-08:00

There are only so many things that a human needs to survive. Ya know, like water and food. That kind of stuff. When those things are everywhere, there isn't much thought about them. They are just a walk to the kitchen away. I personally have wasted tons of food just because I didn't eat them in due time, and they spoiled. The refrigerator was so full that certain things got pushed to the back and went bad. Water is thrown around. We use water to wash our cars, take long hot showers, water grass.

If people don't know who are reading this, I went out to Arizona to the Black Mesa region. We went out to the Native American reservation because there was a call for people to come out. I almost didn't go, not because it wasn't a good cause, but I wasn't sure if it was my fight.

When we were in Arizona, we did chores that we pay people to do. We work our shitty jobs so we can afford to survive. We work so we can buy food that we could produce on our own.

We stayed with a man named Keri Bigay. His mother's name was Alice, father Keeze (?spelling), and his son, which I didn't ever fully catch his name, since he was at school all day and we hardly saw him. Keri was a very strange man, and I think it would take years to fully understand him. From their house we could see Peabody's coal company, which he hated. He had Peabody's signs all over his yard that he had stolen from them. Keri had gone to school to be an electrician, but had never finished. He had wired his whole house to run on solar power, and had digital television. It was crazy, this house in the middle of nowhere, closest town like an hour away, and we are sitting in this guys house watching Animal Planet.

I gained from my trip to Arizona, but maybe not in the way that I had hoped. One thing great about being out there was the sky at night. One thing I miss about living in the country is that there were stars. There are no stars in large cities. I grew up on playing with worms, riding bikes, and night skies.

Panic Attacks

2008-10-08T17:15:00.000-07:00

So I've been having panic attacks in class lately. All I can think about is how I need to leave right then. I don't like the fact that I am forced to sit in class.

Home

2008-09-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

So I went home this weekend, mainly because my sister has been staying with my dad for a few weeks, getting shit done that should have been done for the past two years that my mother is incapable of doing. I always hate going home because of how good my stepmother is at making me feel weird and uncomfortable. The entire time she makes comments about how good I look now that I am skinny and just making a big deal about my appearance, like it matters.

She woke me up this morning by informing me that she and my father were going to take me to get my hair all done up, and buy me some shit. I shouldn't get mad about this because I expect it whenever I go home. If they didn't buy me shit, I wouldn't come home. But being here this time, and realizing that all my parents talked about was what thing they were going to buy in the next week, or where they were going on vacation made me really depressed. Anything brought up in conversation is either small town gossip or what their plans were to spend money.

So today in the car my stepmother was talking about how she met this woman at bingo who was waiting for a kidney transplant, and she had to get dialysis all the time. The woman had said that she had A positive blood, and thats what my stepmom had. Then she went on that she went to say that she would never give her kidney to someone that she had just met, and maybe she would to save the life of a family member. '

Later she went on to talk about how they were going camping this weekend and that she wanted to make some chili. Their original plan was to make a large pot of chili for everyone that was going camping, like thirty people (everyone chipping in), but she decided that she just wanted to do it alone. I think it would be really fun to an entire family to gather around and making chili together.

Things that they got me today: a new haircut I didn't really want, about 5 shirts, a drink from Starbucks, an expensive lunch, like 9 pairs of new socks, and probably more to come.

So just a second ago I went into the kitchen for a break from this, and my stepmother was like "Amanda, come look at this" and it was a picture of a whales tail sticking out of water. She said that on her cruise that they are going to take, she wanted to see that in their natural habitat. I wanted to say " That is stupid, you are destroying their natural habitat, and you should just die so they can be in peace, and go to their breeding habitats without being ogled at by stupid humans who think it is pretty fun to invade whales space to fulfill some stupid urge to look at things that they believe to be cool", but I didn't. They go on cruises at least once a year.

There was a girl that I knew during my first year in college that decided that she was going to write a paper about how cruises were good. One of her reasons was that the flow of tourists were good for island economies, and that the indigenous people of the island selling crap to asshole tourists was a good idea. Why are people sssssssssooooooooooo stupid?

So I got in a fight with a friend, and said some things that wouldn't have been said if I hadn't have been fired up and exhasted at the same time. It is really hard to talk to people when there are so many emotions going on and you don't fully understand what the other person is thinking.

.

2008-09-11T16:23:00.001-07:00

What was your face before your parents were born?

What is true isn't really.

2008-09-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

There are always people who get things right, but are attacked because what they are saying will disrupt the order of things. The ones in power control what we believe to be true. Fuck.

Think, for yourself.

uncertainty

2008-08-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

So here I am. This is what I am doing right now.

Over the summer I had decided that I wasn't going back to school, but then on the first day of classes I decided that I wanted to go back. I signed up for classes, and went and had a talk with one of my favorite professors who made me feel good about my decision.

Part of the reason that I wasn't going back was because I was paying for something that I didn't really care about, and was failing. I had decided that university level education was not worth the time and effort that I was putting into it. Most people who go to college don't know what they are getting themselves into, and are just doing it becuase thats what they do to get a job.

The reason that I decided to go back is because there is much to learn from the people I am working with, and I feel that I am benefiting from my education with the people that I am learning from. I know that having a better understanding of social problems, and discussing them with people who are being proactive as well is beneficial. This is not all that is important. I can't just sit in a classroom and discuss problems in the outside world, without truly understanding what is going on. It is important for me that individual people are aware and active.

I am in the Women's and Gender Studies department, and I think that was one of the best decisions I could have made in my higher education career. Every class that I go to, there is at least two people who truly learn new things and make dramatic changes to their lives because of what they learn from the amazing women teaching the class, as well as the women and men in the class. There is something spectacular to know that women are taking charge of their own lives, and realizing that they actually have a brain and aren't the objects they once saw themselves as.

This world is fucked up, and I am trying to do what I want to in the best way possible. The anarchist culture usually frowns upon people who stay in the system and get in a bunch of debt, but I didn't know what else to do. I want to learn. I want to be surronded by people who are capable of teaching me about myself, and about all sorts of things. I need to learn languages to communicate with people.

I am not attending the University to get a good job. I am attending to gain knowledge, to be able to do things more productively, and make a greater impact. Its not like I am stressing to much about buying a house, or starting the perfect family. I am going to school for the completely opposite reason that most of the population does. I am actually going to school to learn.